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Chapter one:Adventuring with Fionna & Marshall Lee

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Author: lillianblood
Created: July 09, 2012 at 09:23 pm
Entry Type: Other Type, G (All)
Category: Fantasy | Romance | Humor
Entry Stats: 1 comments 114 views

Chapter one:Adventuring with Fionna & Marshall Lee
Fionna paced back and forth.Why hasn't he talked to me yet?She thought.Marshall Lee was her Vampire bro,shouldn't he have talked to her at least once in the past THREE days?She flung herself on the bed .She sighed.Fionna hated drama.Cake sat next to her on the bed.
"You ok,Sugar?"Being Fionna's sister like cat,it was her job to know what was going on in Fionna's life.Fionna sat up .She scratched her head.
"It's just that..."Fionna felt the worried eyes of Cake set on her.Her paws set on her hand patting it.She shook her head and continued."It's just that Marshall Lee hasn't talked to me and i'm worried."Cake growled.
"DO I HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE CAT TALK WITH HIM!?"Cake's claws grew out.Fionna picked her up,put her on her lap,and stroked Cake's ear.She heard a purr coming from the cat.
"No,no, Cake.I was gonna go talk with him right now."Fionna grabbed her backpack.Cake followed her to the door.
"Remember ,Baby, if anything goes wrong,you just call!"Fionna smiled and nodded.She started off to the cave where Marshall Lee(the Vampire King)lived.
Fionna climbed over the rocks that blocked the entrance to the cave.She jumped on the porch and knocked on the door.No answer."Marshall Lee!"Again,no answer.Fionna opened the door .It was dark.Not just because the house was in the cave,but the windows were covered by the black curtains.Fionna checked in the living room,no Marshall.She checked in the kitchen,no Marshall Lee.Then,she heard it........the slightest creek coming from.....his room.Fionna groaned.She hated going into Marshall Lee's room.There was always a suprise like:it wasn't clean(Scratch that,it was always messy)or he was sleeping...In his boxers,or sometimes..nothing at all.She climbed up the ladder and peeked into his room.There he was sitting next to the window.His face to dark to see.
"Ya know Fi..It's not nice to snoop into people's houses."His voice was deep,but nice.Fionna felt his eyes on her.

Last Modified: July 09, 2012 at 09:47 pm

Author Notes
Chapter one of Fionna and Marshall Lee's story.


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Comments & Reviews

July 10, 2012

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I have to know what happens next, that was the perfect moment to end at. There's just a couple of things though. There are times when I feel it needs a bit more description. Like here "She flung herself on the bed .She sighed.Fionna hated drama.Cake sat next to her on the bed." It's a bit like a she did this she did that. Instead of telling its nicer to show, and it makes it more interesting.
Also when someone speaks, if the next action isn't by the speaker, it should be on a new line. Otherwise it makes it hard to understand who spoke. So here ""Remember ,Baby, if anything goes wrong,you just call!"Fionna smiled and nodded." I had to check this a few times to figure out who was speaking, but if it was on a new line it would signify a new person's actions.
Oh one more thing, whenever Marshall Lee is mentioned, only Marshall needs to be said. After the first time the gist is gotten of his name. It's okay to have it at time for emphasis, but not almost every time, it becomes tedious.
Anyway, I'm really interested in the plot in this, I want to know what happens to Fiona and Marshall, if anything, but I'm thinking something will. I'm excited, I have to read more, which I may just go do. Oh and the cat's name is so cute. Cake, it's just adorable.

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