A Poem by JonLondon


Author: PRO JonLondon
Created: August 09, 2010 at 01:57 pm
Upload Type: Poem, T (13+)  
Category: Dark | General/Other | General/Other
Upload Stats: 4.85 Stars by 63 users with 68 comments and 2048 views

Hansel And Gretel  

Garett's Hansel & Gretel



Woodcutter

Woodcutter


Where do you go?


Must you leave Hansel and Gretel alone?

"There's not enough food for our family home;

So into the forest both children must go

My wife is a nag she nags me til dawn;

To abandon them both miles from their home"


But

Woodcutter

Woodcutter


Where will they go?


"Into the woods, there's a place that I know"

Hansel and Gretel followed in tow;

Dropping white pebbles to find their way home

As they both looked around, their father was gone

Both Hansel and Gretel knew something was wrong.


They waited and waited for their father's return

The woods became cold, so cold it would burn.

Gretel began crying," I'm so hungry" ‘she sighed

"I know" said Hansel, wiping tears from her eyes.


"Can you see pebbles aglow with the moon;

A path to warmth and maybe some food?"

"Don't worry dear Gretel I'll get us home soon".

"But we have to be fearless we're all on our own;

As we walk through the trees that whisper and groan".


Before they knew it both children were home

The house was in darkness, the night stood alone.

In through the window both of them crept

Back into their beds and silently slept.


When the next morning came

Their mother so cross, so full of rage;

Knowing her plans had drastically failed.

She called to their father to meet her upstairs


Woodcutter

Woodcutter


"Why don't you care?"


"Both children are home," she spat with despair.


"I will lock them away for the rest of the day

With a small cup of water and bread which is stale.

Tomorrow you'll take them back to the wood;

And both Hansel and Gretel will be gone for good"


Woodcutter

Woodcutter


Where do you go?


Must you leave Hansel and Gretel alone?

"There's not enough food for our family home

So into the forest both children must go.

My wife is a nag she nags me til dawn;

To abandon them both, miles from their home"


They walked through the bushes and creepy tall trees

Hansel and Gretel held hands with a squeeze.

"Don't worry dear Gretel we'll both be fine;

I left us a trail, like the last one to find"


"I've dropped some crumbs along the way;

So we can find our way home again"

But much to his horror, the crumbs had gone.

His plan had gone so terribly wrong.


"I forgot about the hungry birds;

I'm sorry dear Gretel," were Hansel's words.


"The birds must have quietly followed

Now we'll never get home by tomorrow"

Gretel was crying, "I'm hungry and cold;

Please Hansel, please get us home"


He froze for a moment, haunted by sounds

A shiver he felt there were eyes all around.

Both children felt safer in the foot of a tree

"Hansel I'm scared, please will you hold me"


All through the night they huddled up close

The forest so cold like the touch of a ghost

They waited and waited for their father's return

But when morning came, there was little concern.


So both Hansel and Gretel set off on their way

To find the path to home again

As they walked through the forest they found an old cottage;

It looked very strange in the middle of the glade.


Dark brown it was and dirty looking

But it had a sweet smell;

Like biscuits were cooking


"It's chocolate"

"It's chocolate"

Breaking chunks from the wall,

"Taste some dear Gretel it's not bad at all"


"Well, well, well"

Come a voice from by the door;

"You children must be hungry,

Do you want anymore?"


"Don't be afraid, you have nothing to fear;

It's just little old me, there's no one else here"

Still hungry and cold, Hansel and Gretel

Went and stood by the stove.


"Look at you children you're all skin and bone;

Come a little closer, my eyes are old;

Tell me child, what is your name?"

As she locked poor Hansel away in a cage.


"I'll fatten you up then gobble you up

And your sister can stay here and clean"

"Please let us go, don't be so mean;

We were looking for warmth and something to eat"


"Look at you child, you're all skin and bone

But I can't wait forever or I'll be like bone"

"Girl, girl, go and turn on the cooker;

We're having roast boy and gravy for dinner"


"We'll add some salt and little red spice;

And we'll cook him slow, he'll taste so nice"

"Girl, girl, go and check on the heat;

And make sure there's room for parsnips beneath"


Gretel returned with a tear in her eye

"I think I've turned the heat too high"

"You're useless child" 'the old witch cried.

"I'll do it all by myself"


But as she bent down, Gretel looked around;

And nudged the witch onto the shelf


Gretel ran to save her brother, releasing him from the cage.

She held Hansel so tightly, "I'll never eat chocolate again"

They chained and locked the oven door,

The wicked witch will be no more.


Grabbing some food for their journey ahead

A basket of coins and a big chocolate egg

"We're rich, we're rich" 'they both happily said;

"Now let's go home to our warm comfy beds"


Along the path both children walked.

Their father was weeping;

As they approached the door

"Your stepmother's dead, she controls me no more"


"Forgive me children for abandoning you;

For your father was weak, what could I do?"

"Hansel and Gretel, I love you;

You believe me children, don't you?"




©Jon.London 2010






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Last Modified: February 25, 2014 at 10:30 am
© JonLondon - all rights reserved

Author Notes


Best viewed upon my site page:

Thank you for your time in reading, I appreciate it deeply

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Comments & Reviews ( X 78)



LightestShadow
June 23, 2012
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Just.. Gorgeous.



(Author)
Your very kind thank you

  JonLondon replied on September 28, 2013




saiom
November 28, 2011
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every farm animal waiting to be fattened up for the kill is a Hansel or Gretel

thank you
spotlight



(Author)
Thank you my kind friend

  JonLondon replied on September 28, 2013




NatureBoy
February 09, 2011
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wowowow
this was more than a read, it was a journey to far beyond. Your imagination is beyond words, i feel more creative just reading this. All 5 of my senses were heightened while reading, which is always adventerous in a way. Again, brilliant work.



(Author)
Thank you for your kind comment my friend

  JonLondon replied on March 02, 2014




darkelegy
September 05, 2010
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sounds so perfect...
love the old old tales...as you penned it by your own! so perfect nothings could be better than this Jon! your the main poet now here in WN! no doubt about it! such a pure talent...bravo! keeps on my friend cos were cheering....

dark...



(Author)
Thanks Dark my brother, such a kind and thoughtful thing to say...Thank you...but I fear I'm far away from being a main poet on this site...so much raw talent among us.....Thank you for your continued support...I appreciate it deeply...You're a diamond...cheers buddy

  JonLondon replied on September 05, 2010




nataliemccart
September 01, 2010
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Awesome!
That was truly awesome! I can't believe you don't have a book of poems published, I loved the rhyme and you nailed the story and the feel of it to perfection!!!



(Author)
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment my friend..I appreciate it deeply...I'm so glad you enjoyed this Natalie...thank you. As for my published work..I write under a different name for the forms in which I write with...As I don't want to be labeled as a one track pony..as they say ....Anyway thank you for your thoughts...They are a treasure to receive

  JonLondon replied on September 01, 2010




DaintyCordero
September 01, 2010
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EXCELLENT!!!
Kudos!!!Very great poem,not so boring to read this one,as a matter of fact I did enjoy in reading this story and so excited to go to the next line...as my heart was beating so fast,the flow and rhythm are so perfectly beautiful as well as awesome, indeed!Well done,Jon and I'm very proud of you for using your gift to the maxxx.Godspeed!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...Thank you...I appreciate and value your opinion deeply

  JonLondon replied on September 01, 2010




mflanns94
August 26, 2010
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Great!
This was really really good, a full out story that brings back feelings of childhood. I especially love how the last line of the poem is a question, it adds a very dramatic finish. The format of the stanzas are also very strong. You are such a good writer, I have to go read more! haha you'll get other reviews from me shortly (:



(Author)
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm glad you enjoyed it...Cheers...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 27, 2010




silverwings
August 25, 2010
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Brilliant
Well Jon you have done it again...you could make a story of this...you amaze me with your talent, your ability to engage the reader so well despite the fact you know the tale...beautifully done and well deserved JonLondon...Jules...aka...SilverWings...



(Author)
Hi Jules my friend, thank you for your wonderful comment ...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms Tale...Your opinion means so much to me ...Thank you....I hope you're keeping well my friend...I haven't seen you around in a while....Thanks again....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 25, 2010




zahradeenzakari
August 24, 2010
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GREAT
This is perfect i love the flow it rythme with each stanza. You are wonderful friend keep writing



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend, I'm so glad you enjoyed it

I appreciate and value your opinion deeply...I hope you're having a wonderful day....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 25, 2010




Ozzfan1979
August 24, 2010
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great
I enjoy the poem you wrote to the story... awesome job!



(Author)
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 24, 2010




Erato
August 23, 2010
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Excellent
I think I liked this better than the original! Seriously fine work here, the repetition of lines and the whole flow of the piece worked well for the narrative and the feel of the story.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your wonderful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it buddy...Thank you..I appreciate your opinion deeply....I hope you're having a great day

  JonLondon replied on August 24, 2010




Bassoonia
August 23, 2010
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Outstanding
You use the same point of view as the original story (3rd person), but you put a very unique twist on it, which I LOVE! Also, I really enjoy long pieces, when they don't bore me to sleep, because it show that you really thought things through. This was an immensely enjoyable read; keep on writing, JonLondon!!!!!!!!!!!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms Tale....Your thoughts are a treasure for me to receive...Thank you...I deeply appreciate your opinion

  JonLondon replied on August 23, 2010




LoveErinxo
August 23, 2010
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You're incredible. By far the most talented author I've ever seen on this site.
This is no exception.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment Erin my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed it...Your opinion means the world to me...Thank you...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 23, 2010




poetrymaz
August 22, 2010
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superb
Ahh well I'm sure the Brothers Grimm would applaud along with me if they were fortunate enough to read your words. Brilliant piece of writing, imaginitive and a fantastic new angle on a story I thought could only be told one way ...

More power to your pen

Peace 'n' Justice

Maz



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment Maz, I'm so glad you enjoyed it my friend...Thank you...I appreciate your thoughts deeply....I hope you're having a glorious weekend

  JonLondon replied on August 22, 2010




timsterner
August 22, 2010
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A beautiful adaptation with a nice rythm. It flows like a waterfall down the screen. You have managed to capture the creaking atmosphere of the original. And I do applaud you for it. Anything else would be an understatement.



(Author)
Thank you Tim my friend....I appreciate your thoughts deeply...Thank you I'm so glad you enjoyed it buddy...Cheers...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 22, 2010




Galacticbeam
August 21, 2010
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well done
Could not help you much as I am not an ificiando of children stories.
It seem well written and I know many children will adore what you have written



(Author)
That's ok my friend...I'm glad you enjoyed my take on the grimms tale...Your thoughts are important to me and always a treasure to receive...Cheers buddy

  JonLondon replied on August 22, 2010




poeticlady
August 21, 2010
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amazing
amazing piece of work.. YOU are tremendously talented.. I enjoyed this read very much.. take care Jon, and keep it coming. <3



(Author)
Thank you sweetheart...I'm so glad you enjoyed it my lovely...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive...I hope you're enjoying your weekend my friend

  JonLondon replied on August 22, 2010




DutchIreland
August 21, 2010
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Hey!

I loved this adaption it was brilliant and a little haunting. I kind've feel sorry for Hansel and Gretel. Good job!

-Dutch



(Author)
Thank you Dutch my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms Tale...I appreciate your thoughts so much on this piece...Thank you....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 21, 2010




fauxcajun
August 20, 2010
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Very enjoyable
Loved your adaptation of the classic. It has been so long since I've read that old standard I quite forgot what was original or not. The wicked stepmother was, of course new, and father taking them into the forest also. I really liked this.



(Author)
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm glad you enjoyed it...Thanks buddy

  JonLondon replied on August 20, 2010




Guiritano
August 19, 2010
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Deserving
This is fantastic. A masterpiece. You deserve all of the praise below, Jon. Well done. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

I guess any less from you could not be expected anyway. SL.



(Author)
Thanks Guiritano my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive...Cheers buddy...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 19, 2010




Shadowangel21
August 18, 2010
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I've only seen one version of hansel and gretel that didn't show the grueling possibilities of two kids alone in the woods or the fact that the stepmother and the old hag could possibly be the same unless you look closely into the tale itself. something people rarely do if they read them at all. yet as people we enjoy seeing the grueling parts of life more so then a happy ending, showing how we are easily entertained in the sense of cruel humor. and I simply cannot wait to see what's next



(Author)
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment Shadow...I'm glad you enjoyed it....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 19, 2010


how am I a diamond lol I'm just good at truthful compliments lol I was repaying the kind favor you did for me

 Shadowangel21 replied on August 20, 2010




nina
August 18, 2010
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Great adaptation of the childhood fairytale it flowed in the way a story only can the rhyming was consistent and relevant never forced and overall just an enyoable read, you gave it a dark twist which is always there in fairytales but never explored. I do believe you have created Hansel and Gretel for adults lol well done Jon.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment nina...I'm so glad you enjoyed it my friend...Thank you...I appreciate your thoughts deeply...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 19, 2010




dreamer
August 17, 2010
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Another great write, Jon! I really enjoyed reading your version of the classic fairy tale. This is a great way to re-tell the story! Loved it



(Author)
Thanks buddy, I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale...I always treasure your opinion my friend...Cheers mate...You're a diamond I hope you're having a great day

  JonLondon replied on August 17, 2010




LazyPoems
August 17, 2010
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Successful one
Fairy tales have never failed us to bring out our childhood memories... it's a story for Children of All Ages. However, on this chance the author briliiantly retold the ever known hansel and gretel in form of a poetry which J.London gave color to the readers' favourite climaxes of the story ... and never forgotten the elements from the original one... I say, This another form of retelling is a success... magnifico...



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it....Thank you...Your thoughts are always a treasure for me to receive....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 17, 2010




carmurr
August 16, 2010
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Wow
What a different version you have written and so different from your usual writing. Children love rhyming sing-song things, but I wouldn't read this to a young child. Much too sad t and scary to hear. I loved the excuse at the end, or should I say no excuse. Sounds like my life. Scary and terrible with no excuses. Very different than anything I've read here. I thought it took a lot of imagination to put forth this one my friend. carmurr



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and always thoughtful comments Carla my dear friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale...I appreciate your opinion deeply sweetheart...Thank you....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




dazedforever
August 16, 2010
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Astounding!
Whoa!!! My friend, what a masterpiece you have delivered. Though I barely remember the original Story, I am sure this trumps it, anytime!!! You have amazing story telling skills, and that combined with the classic poet that you are, this just couldn't get any better. you are a complete talented package my friend ! Excellent imagery here with the sweetest flow ever. You are a star, my friend. its a true honor to read your work! Bravo !!!!!!!!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your wonderful comment my dear friend...Such a lovely thing to say ....I'm so glad you enjoyed it sweetheart...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive...Thank you....I hope you've had a glorious weekend my lovely

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




Truly247
August 16, 2010
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Twist!!
What a wonderful twist on a classic! Darker than the original, for sure, this is very good. You have a great talent, my friend. Well done!

~Tru



(Author)
Awww truly my dear friend....Thank you ever so much for your kinnd and always thoughtful comments...I cherish them always....I'm so glad you enjoyed it my lovely....Thank you....I hope you've had a wonderful weekend my friend

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




saher
August 16, 2010
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GREAT!!IT'S A MASTEPIECE



(Author)
Thank you for your kind comment Saher...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...Your thoughts are a treasure to receive my friend....Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010


ur wellcome

 saher replied on August 23, 2010




kntinaz
August 16, 2010
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Wow!!!!
This is very good.. To come up with a new version of a classic is to me a very big step and it is a step that you have taken so well. Bravo on a great write and keep up the great work...Tony



(Author)
Tony my friend ....Thank you for your wonderful comment...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale buddy....I always treasure your thoughts on my work....Thanks again Tony...I appreciate your thoughts deeply

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




kreativekrispy
August 15, 2010
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Phenomenal
I enjoyed this poem VERY much. You are a very intelligent man. I love how you write. I can relate to this poem very much so. My mother was very mean and abusive, yet my father didnt have the guts to stand up to her. In the end they are now divorced and my father is trying to make up for it. He knows he was wrong. However, this Gretel didnt have a Hansel. My sister was worshiped by my mother, and I was hated. So thank you for this poem, its nice to relate to something that I read. You are very gifted and have such talent. I cant wait to read more of your stuff! Thank you for turning me on to your page.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale...I appreciate it deeply...Thank you....I hope you're having a glorious day my friend

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




sharpcastuser
August 15, 2010
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wow!
That read better than the Mother Goose & Grimm version! Very well penned and flows nicely! My kids enjoyed it too!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment...I'm so glad you and your children enjoyed it my friend....You've placed a smile on my face this morning...Thank you....I appreciate your thoughts deeply....I hope you're having a wonderful day

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




dogsruleruby
August 15, 2010
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I love it, it flows nicely and just sounds all together great.
I'll have to check out some more of your work.
And I would appriciate it if you reviewed any of my writes, I don't care which one, whichever pleases.
Have a great day



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale....Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive my friend...I hope you're having a great weekend

  JonLondon replied on August 15, 2010




plato
August 14, 2010
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Very cool!
Sweet poem Jon, really enjoyed the read! P



(Author)
Thank you Paul my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed it buddy, You're thoughts are always a treasure for me to receive....Cheers mate....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 14, 2010




DeviantWriter88
August 14, 2010
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The Storyteller!
Awesome Story telling done Jon! I have read this story in various books and each looked almost similar to one another. I usually used to get bored in the middle of the story but yours storytelling through a poem was completely anew and I was reading it and not got bored a bit even for a second. Also, great thing you revived this classic story so beautifully!

-Deviant Writer-



(Author)
Thank you 'D' my friend....Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive buddy...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms Tale....Thank you...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 14, 2010




ThunderStorm
August 13, 2010
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Very Classic
this is a very classic take jon london it left me speechless for the wonders of the world. hansel and gretel was the best poem i ever i had a cute idea i was thinking if you and I do a poem and i was hoping we can get started on saturday if that's okay with you or not and happy late birthday after all you are a diamond thanks for letting me read your poem very nicely done jon london thanks for sharing your talents with me thanks your best friend thunderstorm



(Author)
Thanks Storm my brother, I'm so glad you enjoyed it ....Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive buddy....and it would be an honor to write along side you...Just send me a mail..as to when you want to start a joint venture...and we'll get penning....Cheers Storm...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 14, 2010




aSamLoomis
August 13, 2010
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overall, good retelling
Parts of this didn't quite jive with me; like some of the lines were irregular and didn't fit the flow, and some sets didn't follow the rhyme scheme you seemed to be going for.

Another thing: your dialogue lines. Your periods, commas, and question marks all go inside the quotation marks; where you don't end with a period, like here:

"Why don't you care"? - should be "Why don't you care?"

And "Both children are home", she spat with despair. - Should be "Both children are home," she spat with despair.

Overall, though, you've retold Hansel & Gretel very well. It's kind of singsongy and well in the way of a fairy tale telling. I enjoyed reading this!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for you kind and very helpful comment my friend...I appreciate it deeply...Thanks Casky....I'm glad you enjoyed it

  JonLondon replied on August 13, 2010




milligan
August 13, 2010
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excellent write

Reality often is painful in the world today for our children, not only in fairy tales we love and know. Great read!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment Susan...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...Thank you...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive my lovely....I hope you have a wonderful weekend

  JonLondon replied on August 13, 2010




scousa1
August 13, 2010
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well jon old mate if it would have not been h&g. this could be about what happens to some kids today!
well thought out i may say ,and i am greatful for the message, been floating in and out of late. great piece and i will have to spotlight it "again"....joe.



(Author)
Thanks buddy, I'm so glad you enjoyed it...and yes you're so right my friend...so many children are being faced with the same ordeal or poor H&G ....Far to often unfortunately....Again thank you for your kind thoughts Joe, I appreciate it deeply...Cheers mate...I hope you're keeping well

  JonLondon replied on August 13, 2010




DansOnly
August 12, 2010
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Wonderful Remake
This was a fun read. It's been so long since I heard this tale, and to read it again in rhythm and rhyme brought a smile to my face. I really like what you've done with this. It could make a good 'bedtime story' for half-time on Monday nights. The only thing I think could improve it, is if you'd add 'quotes' to the dialogue. Just to distinguish to the reader when they need to read 'in voice'. Good stuff. Thanks.

Just my thoughts
Dans



(Author)
Thank you Dan for your honest review my friend...I know what you mean...I've been editing this since I put it up lol.....I'll get there in the end...hopefully....Thanks again for your thoughts on this buddy...I'm so glad you enjoyed it ...I appreciate your opinion deeply...Cheers mate...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 13, 2010


Ooo! I see quotes! Yeah! It will make it easier for me to do the voices when I read it out loud. Fun fun. Thanks Jon.

 DansOnly replied on August 16, 2010


(Author)
Thank you Dan....I'm so glad that it reads better my friend....Cheers buddy...I appreciate your feedback so much....I hope you've had a great weekend

  JonLondon replied on August 16, 2010




poetpat
August 12, 2010
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Very smart!
Wow an old classic turned into a poem. This strory has been read to me and I had the story on tape when I was a child. I had many other classic stories and this was not my favorite but I did liked it. In this way it could easely become a favorite. I would not have mind If some-one had read it to me in this poem like way. The story is not a short one and I am amazed about how you put it all together and let it rhyme so well and it makes it such a pleasent work to read. Again well done! Young and old will surely appreceate it in this new package.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed it Pat...Thank you....I appreciate your thoughts deeply.....I hope you're having a wonderful day

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




ghost1945
August 12, 2010
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extremely excellent
most of your writting i've read has been short,so this is a first for me ,jon you know you are a pro ,well i didn't have to tell you that,i loved this piece! by bye tony!!!!



(Author)
Thank you Tony my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grimms tale...Cheers mate, I appreciate your thoughts deeply....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




MaryJane
August 12, 2010
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Very well done, you are a very talented writer I admire you. I really love the way you've turned this story into a poem and made it ryhme and flow so easily! An absolutely wonderful piece, keep it up!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much Melissa my friend...I value and appreciate your thoughts deeply...Thank you....I'm so glad you enjoyed it

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




enya_fan19
August 12, 2010
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Clever
Not many can turn written word into rhyme in a way such as you have. This is a truly original piece fit for such a classic tale.



(Author)
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the grims tale my friend....Your thoughts are such a treasure to receive my lovely...Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




SimpleWords
August 12, 2010
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Wow.Nicely detailed. A great version of the original story. It was clever to turn it into a poem.
Great write, thanks for sharing.
+S+



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend....I'm so glad you enjoyed it....Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive...Thank you....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




gareth
August 12, 2010
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superb i loved this re telling of teh classic tale very well written!



(Author)
Cheers Gareth....I'm glad you enjoyed it buddy...I appreciate your time in reading...Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 12, 2010




HPGreg
August 11, 2010
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Nice
I must say, it has been a while. When I opened up your page, I was surprised at this write that you have put together. This brings back many of memories from my younger days in school. Oh that was a time to remember. I miss though days some. I wonder what ran through your mind, for you to think about Hansel & Gretel.

I think your talent speaks for its self, as it always does.
The pic goes great with the write too.

Thanks for sharing my friend.
HPGreg



(Author)
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment Daryl my friend....I'm so glad this brought back fond memories for you buddy....I appreciate your opinion deeply...Thank you....I hope you're having a wonderful day my friend

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




Amandamic21
August 11, 2010
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Enjoyable read. The old fairy tales were masterpieces. You did a great job with this one.



(Author)
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it....Thank you...I appreciate your opinion deeply

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




fireice
August 11, 2010
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Very effective use of
repetition. Leads the reader into the next phase very cleverly. Descriptive jargon flows like water from the tip of your pen Jon. A gift to be thankful for. The "creepy tall trees",....."The woods became cold, so cold it would burn"...."trees that whisper and groan",..."the night stood alone haunted by sounds"..."eyes all around",...forest so cold like a touch of a ghost"...these words send chills down the spine very fitting for bringing the reader into the woods. This may sound crazy, but I saw in my mind, some crosses to other stories -- "roast boy" -- roast beast from The Grinch That Stole Christmas, -- "the wicked witch" from The Wizard of Oz., "big chocolate egg" goose that laid the golden egg from Jack in the Beanstalk.

I thouroughly enjoyed the walk through this forest Jon. One I would actually like to take. Keep up the great work. Know I don't even have to say that though.

BRAVO my friend,

Fire



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and always thoughtful comments my dear friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale....I appreciate your opinion so much...Thank you...I hope you're having a wonderful day

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




tarantulla81
August 11, 2010
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hi jon.
i loved the poem. its one of my favorite tales and i love fairy tales. you brought such deep meaning into it. really gave it life. it flowed perfectly and the hints of sarcasm was brilliantly done. i loved it how you also gave a hint to dysfunctional family's nowadays and how the children always are the one to suffer.
a joy to read as always



(Author)
Thank you ever so much my lovely, I'm so glad you enjoyed it sweetheart...Thank you...I appreciate your thoughts deeply ....I hope you're having a wonderful day...say Hi to Gabz for me

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010


i did. a lot.. hmm well i am a little sick today. cycled in the rain with no jacket but i should be better soon. i will say hi to gabs
and a very happy belated birthday. i am sorry for the late wishes. i hope u had a great bday

 tarantulla81 replied on August 11, 2010


(Author)
Awww thank you my lovely...and yes I had a great day sweetheart....I don't consider myself a year older....A step closer I prefer ...I hope you're feeling better soon my friend.

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




Rosethorn25
August 11, 2010
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Very creative!
This really reminds me of that old story I think that this is the best poem i've read in weeks! Very well written and I'm looking forward to seeing other new poems you have wrote
RT25
-Happy writing ^^



(Author)
Thank you Rose, I'm so glad you enjoyed it...I appreciate your thoughts deeply...Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010


your welcome to prob! advice or praise if even critique all you need to do is PM me^^

 Rosethorn25 replied on August 11, 2010


your welcome to prob! advice or praise if even critique all you need to do is PM me^^

 Rosethorn25 replied on August 11, 2010




Cassiekid123
August 11, 2010
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Nice! =D
Interesting way of writing this old fashioned fairytale. I'd have to agree with KittiepieL, it does seem about modernday abuse, not just to the kids but for the fater too. A joy to read. Keep up the good work!



(Author)
Thank you Cassie my friend...I appreciate your kind and meaningful comment...I'm glad you were able to read into the undertone of this piece...I appreciate your thoughts deeply...Thank you...I'm so glad you enjoyed it....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




rabiakhan
August 11, 2010
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superb
wow! a perfectly rhymed and a polished masterpiece it is... great job i loved it alot, keep writing, this piece was very impressive. keep it up friend



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...Thank you...I appreciate your thoughts deeply....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




inareverie101
August 11, 2010
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Cool!
Great, great, great!
Such a joy to read, a really amusing and entertaining poem!!
Fantastically dark as well. No mistake, people of ALL ages will surely love this!!



(Author)
Thank you my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...I appreciate your thoughts so much

  JonLondon replied on August 11, 2010




welcome
August 10, 2010
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Kids will love this
You excel yourself with this little beauty Jon. I loved it and for an adult to enjoy it so much, makes me sure the children will be overjoyed. The graphics were superb. Since you begin each line with a capital, I think some of the punctuation at the end of each line could omitted to improve its flow - not all of course, but only where absolutely necessary, such as with dialogue. Forgive me for carping, jon, but I love it so much I feel it must be perfect - don't you? The lines: 'Forgive me children for abandoning you/ For your father was weak, what could I do?' are not only wonderfully envisaged and powerful, but make a philosophical comment - a relevant warning - which is an early and potent lesson kids should absorb. I would love to get hold of your book of nursery rhymes for my own grandchildren. Many nursery rhymes tend to be a bit flippant but the ones I've read of yours always have something important to impart.



(Author)
Thank you ever so much Ken...I value your opinion highly on my work my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the Grims tale...Cheers buddy.. ...........As for the Blanket Valley project...Fingers crossed it will be ready for publishing at the end of the year....The intro can be found here in my poetry file...Which I think you have already kindly commented on ? ...Again thank you for your continued support...I appreciate it deeply.....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




welcome
August 10, 2010
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Kids will love this
You excel yourself with this little beauty Jon. I loved it and for an adult to enjoy it so much, makes me sure the children will be overjoyed. The graphics were superb. Since you begin each line with a capital, I think some of the punctuation at the end of each line could omitted to improve its flow - not all of course, but only where absolutely necessary, such as with dialogue. Forgive me for carping, jon, but I love it so much I feel it must be perfect - don't you? The lines: 'Forgive me children for abandoning you/ For your father was weak, what could I do?' are not only wonderfully envisaged and powerful, but make a philosophical comment - a relevant warning - which is an early and potent lesson kids should absorb. I would love to get hold of your book of nursery rhymes for my own grandchildren. Many nursery rhymes tend to be a bit flippant but the ones I've read of yours always have something important to impart.



(Author)
Thank you so much my kind friend

  JonLondon replied on March 05, 2014




Tornado
August 10, 2010
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Wonderful!
Grimm's Fairytales was one of my favourite books. Pity they didn't write them like this back then. (it would have been much quicker to read). Although we know the story, the way you have written it causes one to race down the page in trepidation and anticipation. Yet, as the end is reached, a pensive feeling is held and one finds oneself questioning the question... Your similarities are brilliant and I found myself retreating from the question at the end. Very effective writing!
Deliberate abandonment, excuses and the desire a child might have to turn the tables are what I see here. But the adult's excuse for doing nothing... Well, need I say more?
Good work Jon. Different but good! That's what I like about your work so keep at it. We are waiting for more : )



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and always thoughtful comments, I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale my friend...Thank you...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive....I hope you're having a wonderful day...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




dream_forever
August 10, 2010
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Oh wow, you have such a great writng mind. I was amazed when i read this, and everything you said was lovely, but dark. And i love your backround. Great work love!



(Author)
Thank you ever so much for your kind and thoughtful comment my friend...I appreciate it deeply...Thank you...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




NoAspiration
August 10, 2010
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What an epic journey
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and kept thinking of the parallels to modern life and all the recent child abuse cases I have heard of, which are really not dissimilar, but you turned it into a haunting story about children being abandoned by those who are supposed to care for them and the dangers in our society. Another departure from your style that I have grown to love, but I also loved this piece, well written Jon, my friend.



(Author)
Thank you J my dear friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it sweetheart...A little different to my usual rhyming style...but I wanted to give a mix of rhyme and prose...as the rhymes are not always enjoyed by many readers...but I'm glad you enjoyed it none the less....Thanks sweetheart...I appreciate your thoughts deeply...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




MichaelFrost
August 10, 2010
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!!!
You took this when the Grimm's could not, or perhaps dared not to tread?

Hansel & Gretel had always been one of my childhood favorites, and luckily for me the version my mother read to me and my sisters had not been Disneyized or I would have gone through life with rose colored glasses regarding it. If she had read THIS version, well, I was frightened enough as a kid of anything dark.

Written in perfect Jon flow: rhyming then breaking, crossing the paths of free verse only to wrap the reader back up in a tale which keeps you flowing to the end. Loving this...are you going to do them all (fairy-tales)?

I never know what to expect when you post; I have learned not to make assumptions on your titles, and days I am in a more critical mood I find myself not finding errors or 'looked-overs', but instead simple awe.

Just brilliantly dark and entertaining.

--Michael Frost



(Author)
Thanks Michael my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale, A little different to my usual rhyming style I know....and I'm so glad you picked up and the mix of forms I have placed here...Infact...you're the only one lol....a little rhyme and prose...I've found that not many readers enjoy rhyming lines...so I thought I give this piece a mixture of both....broke the stanza formation...but when read as a whole...the rhythm continues...just a little pause now and again..just to swap the patterns of my usual form....Thanks again Mr Frost....I always look forward to your review...You're always honest and I appreciate that deeply my friend...Cheers buddy...I'm glad you enjoyed it...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




andycapped
August 10, 2010
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Another masterful piece,JON. Excellent writing, your such pro-writer. SPOTLIGHT ONCE AGAIN !!!!! Thank you for sharing your gift. -A*C*



(Author)
Thanks Andy my poetic brother...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale...I appreciate and value your thoughts deeply...You have always shown great support for my work ..and for that I am truly grateful to you...Cheers bro....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




Hannah92
August 10, 2010
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Great work...again!!
I haven't heard this tale for a while now either...and i think that this was just the best way to refresh it! I love these series of poems...who you're taking classic tales...and just making them brilliant...lifting them up with rhyme....its brilliant...and pure genius...keep writing....i found nothing to criticize here...the way you penned it down...was just how it was supposed to be done....great work



(Author)
Thank you ever so much Hannah, I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the tale my friend...Your thoughts are always a treasure to receive..which cherish always sweetheart...Thank you...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




MagicMJ
August 10, 2010
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Perfectly told...
though I must say I had difficulty reading it... the color was not quite good to read...lol...
nonetheless... I made it to the end and this piece gripped me enough till the end...

perfect...



(Author)
Hi Magic my friend...I'm sorry for the colour choice...I had stated at the bottom in my authors notes that it would be best viewed upon my site page, but I know that the basic page is displayed when in the SL...So hopefully now that I've changed the font colour..it'll read a lot better without the strain on the eye balls lol...Thanks again for your kind and always thoughtful comments...I appreciate your thoughts so much...Thank you....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




elfqueena
August 09, 2010
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awe
awe Jon I gave you 5 on this as I know it is perfect , I just cant read it as it's to yellow and hurts my eyes . so sorry babe I would have loved to read it . but can barely make any words out at all. so sorry but still will sl it as i know your work and know this was very good .



(Author)
Hi Sharon my lovely...Thank you for your kind review....sorry if it made your eyes strain sweetheart...I hope the new colour helps in some way...Thanks again for your continuous support...I appreciate it deeply...Thank you...You're a wonderful soul

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010


awe your so welcomed and yes the new color help a lot i was able to read it and it was as I expected wonderful and so remember reading that as a child , i loved it best of all the fairy tales thank you so much for bringing back the memories . thumbs up again lol Sharon

 elfqueena replied on August 10, 2010




gomsi
August 09, 2010
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Wow!
Though I am bit late to read this piece of yours.Sorry for that. Well I think we all went through this famous story in our childhood. I never thought that someone can write it in a pattern of rhyme.You have done a great job like you always do.Well written.Keep on writing.



(Author)
Thank you Gomsi my friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it...I appreciate and value your thoughts deeply...Thanks buddy....You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




The_Fictionist
August 09, 2010
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I loved it
I thought this was great. I've always enjoyed fairytales and the flow in this was excellent.
Extremely good job, well done! =]

You need a question mark on the last line.
Nice! Keep writing!

Thank you for writing this marvelous piece.



(Author)
Thank you my friend...I appreciate your thoughts deeply...I'm so glad you enjoyed my take on the story...You're a diamond...Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010


You're welcome =]

 The_Fictionist replied on August 10, 2010




wayneleon
August 09, 2010
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Dark and Beautiful
Hello Jon, I have been so busy lately that I really have had no time to come here. But anyway, thought I would read this great piece you have penned. Very very dark, and a wonderful twist on the Hansel and Grettle theme.

Having read through this, there where some stanzas, that rhymed and others that where just off, I don't know whether that was meant, but I picked up on it. Other than that, the imagery in this poem/story, was actually fantastic and creepily so too.

I could feel the coldness of the forest in this and the fear of the children once they knew they where lost. Great writing my friend,.

Dark Wishes to you

Wayne Leon



*Gretel*

 wayneleon replied on August 09, 2010


(Author)
Hi Wayne my friend...Yes I did break away from the usual rhymes I tend to write with this time....I thought that as most readers don't appreciate rhymed poetry, I thought I'd bring a new twist with rhyme and prose so that it gave a wider interest for the reader...I knew that the rhythm would through the pattern that's why I've broken the stanza's ...but if you re-read...you'll find that the rhyme is there...just not in the flow I usually pen with my friend...I always treasure your thoughts on my work wayne..and know that with you...Your review will always be honest and reflect the emotion it placed with you...Cheers buddy...I appreciate your opinion deeply....You're a diamond...Cheers mate ...I'm glad you enjoyed it

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010




emeraldeyes
August 09, 2010
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Brilliant as usual
My dear friend Jon. . . what a lovely spin on an old favorite. I think I will bookmark this page and read it to my 6 and 8 year old grandchildren nex time they sleep over. Although I've never read this before, it felt comfortable and familiar almost like "The Night Before Christmas" I did feel somewhere in the middle that the rhyme pattern changed and I lost the flow for a bit. I'm not going to presume to rewrite but I jotted down a few thoughts below:

followed in toe (tow?)\
fathers return (father's)
burnt (maybe burned would rhyme better with return)
To guide them both home to bed (maybe just " to guide them to bed") fits the meter better

I'll stop here. If you want me to continue I can do it privately.

Peace! ee




My dear sweet Jon. . . I repeat my original bravo and submit the following as suggestions for slight improvement:


When the next morning came
Their mother so cross, so full of rage;
Knowing her plans had drastically failed.
She called to their father to meet her upstairs
(THIS STANZA DOES NOT FIT WITH THE OTHERS. MAY I SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THIS)
Their mother awoke to see they were there
So full of rage that she pulled on her hair
She called for their father to meet her upstair
This failure of yours will give me nightmares

As they walked through the forest they found a old cottage
(a old. . . an old?)

There's a few places where questions are asked but ?marks are not used. I don't know if that was intentional or not.

Jon. . . I stopped about half way through. I think there are still a few places where the rhyme pattern looses it's flow.

It's almost purrrrrrfect I'd love to see you nail it.!!!
Hugs, emz


I will lock them away for the rest of the day
With a small cup of water and bread which is stale.
What about this rhyme?:
I will lock them away for the day until bed
With a small cup of water and a piece of stale bread.



do you want to combine the 4 lines?
after "she called to their father to meet her upstairs"
and again the 3 lines after "gone for good"

 emeraldeyes replied on August 09, 2010


(Author)
Hi Emz...No I've broken away from my usual forms of rhyme and have mixed rhyme with prose breaking and pausing the flow of the subject matter contained..to highlight the affects ...If you go through it again with breaks from stanza form - you will see that the rhyme continues...it just changes in pattern...but it's all there..if you pick up on the rhythm set my friend....Thank you ever so much for your kind and always thoughtful comments my lovely...they're always appreciated...you should give this form a try...it's not as easy as most would think....alot of readers hate rhyme - so I've brought together a format which suits all poetic desires ....Thanks again Emz...You're a diamond

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010


wow. . . love it. . . Did you get to see my Looped Acrostic?

 emeraldeyes replied on August 10, 2010




ThePriestess
August 09, 2010
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I haven't heard the story of Hansel and Gretel for decades, I suppose that means my age is showing here, huh?
Very creative and clever spin you have put on this generation loved tale. Oh how the talent flows through your pen my friend.
Thank you for sharing, and you know I will look forward to reading again in the future.
Take care, Timmie



(Author)
Thank you Timmie my dear friend...I'm so glad you enjoyed it my lovely...Thank you

  JonLondon replied on August 10, 2010



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