Entry Stats: 5 Stars by 1 users with 2 comments 168 views
Chapter 1 the air warriors
In a lonely shadow of Toronto Canada 2 brothers was destined to fly in the air warrior corp. these 2 brothers names are Gabstboz and thunderstorm they live with their mom sometimes they have to share the same bed together as 2 brothers should be well today was the day they both got the letter from the air warrior corp. they was so thrilled they have to leave at 4:30 in the morning they was so thrilled but not their mom she afraid she will lose her 2 sons so after dinner they got to pack their bags and get ready head to Moscow where they will be leaving by train. So by 4:12 the 2 brothers were on the train heading for Moscow Russia so by 4:25 the 2 brothers got off the train and heading to the air warrior corp. it was the only 2 brothers got accepted for this task, what is your name cadet my name is Gabstboz sir and you thunderstorm sir well now my name is Lt. General Mark Davis, commander of this field so you 2 brothers will learn as a well ordered cadet son of a bitch this general has gone full bird bro I know that for sure, go get plenty and 2 weeks you brothers will have to survived in my airfield so they found their tent were they will be sleeping at so they got plenty of sleep stay tuned for chapter 2 of Gabs man and thunderstormís story
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In my honest opinion I think it needs work. Its hard to read because its one giant paragraph. I also recommend putting in quotation marks when a character is speaking so we know when the narrator is speaking or when the character is. For example: The two brothers left their mother. Thunderstorm turned and waved, "We will be ok mother we will see you again."
Edit it with that and I think you got some potential in this. Keep writing