A Monologue by ThePoetDarkling
February 16, 2012 at 07:31 pm
Monologue, G (All)
Dark | Personal | Despair
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High Functioning Schizophrenic
My mind is racing down that old familiar road again (Ah! We're wrecking!) wreaking havoc on my sanity while simultaneously keeping me out of the loop. I am a high functioning schizophrenic, going through the motions of normality but not having a clue as to what normal is; always wanting what I can't have but not really expecting to get it. I ask the voices inside my head, "Can you tell on which side the grass is greener if you spend your life sitting on the fence?" No answer ... I don't guess I'll ever figure it out. I'm too afraid to pick a side or make a decision for "what if" is ever present, clouding my judgment and hacking through my confidence with the brutality of a dull machete.
Self-doubt confounds me and leaves me literally shaking in my skin ... my skin ... there's another stranger I am forced to confront daily-my reflection in the mirror staring back at me without a flicker of recognition, no empathy, no mercy ... soulless. She mocks and taunts me with a hypocritical, judgmental glare, breaking through my impenetrable Fortress of Death and running amok in my soul. She takes what she wants with no care for my well being or her own. She's oblivious to the fact that her tortuous games are self defeating, that she's as much a part of me as I am of her, that if I die, she dies. Or maybe she IS aware and this is her feeble attempt at suicide?
I reckon she didn't count on me being so strong and why should she have? I didn't even know myself how strong I was until I entered that tunnel that was hidden behind my waterfall of emotion and emerged unscathed on the other side. Still breathing and still not wanting to because every breath pounds home the ache in my lonely heart ... Where is home anyway? And who ate my piece of the pie?
Last Modified: June 24, 2014 at 11:02 am
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