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My Comments & Reviews:

Tue May 15 05:41:40 2012

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My Review of Crisis by marvin
All good schoolboy fun & not half bad from the pen of a ten year old either.
I wonder if this might read a little easier if you switched the tenses.
For instance...

'What a crisis it would be
if you missed your exam
and told your teacher
you were stuck in a jam'

Never be afraid to chop and change things round - no poem is ever really finished.

Rhyming can come very easily for some poems, but it's never a good idea to try & force it though. Some of the best poems ever written don't rhyme at all.
Try writing out your feelings freely and see what you can come up with.

Good job - well done Marvin.


Tue May 15 05:18:33 2012

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My Review of
Will Not Be Owned
by tamaboy1
Raw, gritty and a worthy rant that took guts to write. I'm not sure about its poetic merits but that may be secondary here to personal therapeutic value. If you want this to help others understand the world of the addict then I'd suggest some editing to cut down the length.
^ All just my humble opinion, but in any event much kudos for a brave post.

Wed Oct 26 05:17:46 2011

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My Review of Girl In The Glass by BellDom
The kidzy nursery rhyme feel to this adds to its sinister conclusion.
I'm unsure if that's a combination you intended, but the result is effective nonetheless. Well done - keep writing.

Sat Oct 22 07:16:36 2011

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My Review of Flatlining by Gheko
There's a wonderful economy of language that poetry enjoys which prose can never match.
Poets don't always need to spell everything out for the world to see --so much more can be said by hinting at feelings anyway -- but by the same token it's wise to trust the reader enough to understand what you are talking about if you wish to earn their respect.
I wonder if your self expression of despair would be better served without all the my's and I's screaming from the page like a piece of prose.
You have almost caught something... almost, but I think you need to learn a bit of craft to turn it into a poem worthy of such powerful emotion.
Reading more poetry always improves a writer. Try Bukowski.
Hope something here^ may be of use, if not ignore it.
You get ten credits to encourage the potential I notice.

Wed Sep 21 09:24:23 2011

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My Review of Berry Flower arrangements by ediblearrangemen
This is littered with comical errors.
I strongly recommend you find yourself a proofreader who's first language is English. The idea presented may be an interesting one, but until you market it in a plausible and accurate way it is doomed to failure.
Bear in mind that a writer's site is not an appropriate place for spam advertising, so if you really want your business to flourish I suggest you invest in effective marketing, as this only lets your name down big time.
If you wish to discuss matters further, feel free to contact me by pm.

Wed Sep 21 04:51:51 2011

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My Review of Easter Morning by pennypaper
I am not religious, if anything I am anti all religion, but when a poem on the subject makes me stop and think, then I know it works.
The style of this crisp, well executed write reminded me of Bukowski.
Your poem includes a wealth of possibilities, which point the reader in different directions, finally lingering like a good wine that's been expertly blended.
Much kudos & thank you.

Best ~ Abra

Thu Jul 14 06:47:14 2011

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My Review of Unpleasant consequences by veiito
It's clear to me you need some help with the translation.
Here are the basic errors I picked up in the first few lines:

I must (x 2)
is 'always' watching
and 'a' short beard
'a' long robe

Steel yourself, because with your current English skills, there's going to be a lot of revision required.

Best wishes~ Abra

Fri Jun 17 09:02:24 2011

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My Review of Dark Side Of Blue by Iridium
I'd start like this ( forgive my tweaks) because it's so hot....

Running in a wind
of torn cherry blossoms,
you taught me
to see the beauty
of a storm,
to feel the force
that drives the stars.
In you I found
peace, hope, love
and a heart
as deep as any
ever known.
Lost in these dreams
on the dark side
of blue,
I'll know I'll never
breathe alone.

...and maybe save the rest for another write.

Best ~ Abra

Sun Jun 12 19:11:45 2011

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My Review of Let Go by Iridium

Hey Riddy - with your permission slightly different phrasing and a coupla tweaks for you to mull over...

If I could cut free
the lasting part of you
dying inside of me
and burn your thoughts
from these eyes....

If I could only
cleanse this blue
from my blood
to forget your skin
on mine....

Maybe some day....
I could look
at another man
the way I gaze
on you......
But I don't know
how to let go.........
still paralyzed
by the memory
of you.

Best ~ Abra

Sat May 28 06:37:28 2011

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My Review of ...... by Secret-Admiere
Impact poetry such as this, I often mistake for graffiti, so if this is truly your style of expression I will take a lot more convincing.
It may be better not to dabble in dots - titles generally work better - and more importantly they show how much you care about the work you post for public consumption.
Best ~ Abra

Sat May 28 05:55:22 2011

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My Review of Hidden by darkwings
This is an intriguing write that's memorable for its in your face grisly attack on the senses, but perhaps the inclusion of some color might elevate it to true horror status, as you have chosen only to allude to the gory detail rather than describe the deed directly.
Blood rolling down a cheek isn't horror - crimson droplets (for instance) are more likely to be.
For me, this poem's flow is hindered by your capitalization at the start of each line - something antique poetry benefits from - but it's distinctly out of place here.
If you're not using conventional punctuation, then why deny yourself the joy of line breaks and set-ins to create pause and control the breath of your lines within the reader's head?
You've missed an ' o' from the second "too scared" btw -- but please don't be discouraged by anything I say above -- I do see potential in your writing.
I wonder if perhaps you could read more different styles of poetry and then work harder on your technique - because writing instinctively isn't always enough.
Best ~ Abra

Tue May 3 18:46:28 2011

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My Review of The Pain by babiidem
I don't know if this is where you are now, but if it is please try and take encouragement from the following :
The only treasure on this planet is between your ears.
You already have everything you need.
However bad things seem, you always possess the power to make choices.
Poetry-wise, on this occasion I'll keep my mouth shut.

Mon May 2 14:32:47 2011

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My Review of Nervousness gone by enaz23
Now this has the makings of a good write, but to capture the essence of the moment I wonder if you need to switch to a less prosey style.
Perhaps something along the lines of :

As we walk
I want your hand
but I'm scared
of being too forward
legs struggle to walk
my mouth is not my own
as each sentence
seems hard to formulate
when I talk
to you.....

I think that jerkiness of delivery might help to enhance the awkward breathlessness of the circumstances you are describing.
And maybe your poem deserves a stronger last kick "nerves banished" for instance.
Hope something here^ is of help.
An enjoyable read all can relate to - thanks for sharing.

Best ~ Abra


Mon May 2 14:01:29 2011

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My Review of Thank You by kaycrown
I suppose this is really what you would describe as a very charming note to a friend - oozing honesty and coming straight from the heart.
I especially appreciated the way you came full circle with your closing lines, to round everything off in such perfect fashion.
(Please be sure and nuke that typo in line six)
Thanks for sharing.

Best ~ Abra.


Mon May 2 13:46:51 2011

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My Review of Mad Humanity by sLeonard
Yes, being human can be a double edged sword for sure.
"Trying protect a failing dignity" might need a to somewhere.
Cutting sharp like a knife is cliche and I know from your other work you can do better.
Noble musings - thanks for sharing
Best ~ Abra

Mon May 2 13:33:09 2011

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My Review of Choices by iloveyou123
This certainly has a powerful opening, but I'm still not sure about that title.
And did you mean dragged to the alley in line four?
Perhaps you might consider reworking the last line too - as "my only friend" seems something of an anticlimax after such dramatic developments.
Intriguing stuff.
Thanks for sharing

Best ~ Abra

Mon May 2 13:15:15 2011

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My Review of cela n'en vallait pas la paine (in the end........ by madlastar
Here's what the Google translator made of it.

She was there, the woman of my dreams
the woman of my life, more beautiful than eve
my goal was to make her happy
because it was the source of all my desires
my love for her was hidden in my mind
your status does not allow me to tell him
that because I was a kid
which was the begin but was not smart

she was gone, the woman of my dreams
the woman of my life, more beautiful than eve
leaving me in the valley of the sentence
a sentence that gnaws at me and turns into hatred
my pain turns into a hyena inevitable
one hyena in search of a female
My research took me hundreds of weeks
but I finally found my shoe

it was still the woman of my dreams
the woman of my life, more beautiful than eve
after having to give appointments in a desert island
I thought everything would be perfect
the sound of his way all my problems finish on world
I finally confessed to him that I loved him for real
but it's a shame I Vouyer
and I felt that all was not to be so good

She was already happy, the woman of my dreams
I saw these eyes and it was for real
I felt more alone than satan
but she did not know all the evil
everything I had left my soul was lost in the dessepoir
although I took him to Mars, I knew it Y'avait more hope
everything was over for me without it
at the end, it did not was worth the trouble

Perhaps you could tidy it up?

Mon May 2 12:10:50 2011

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My Review of perfect lover by cookie-monster
This is essentially a good poem, but it would be far more credible if you dumped the textspeak, with all those tacky u's etc.
And why should I take 'heartack' in the wind, 'perfet' lovers and a stuttering last line seriously if you can't be bothered to spellcheck your work when you post it?
Sorry, but it has to be said.
Best ~ Abra


Mon May 2 09:26:40 2011

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My Review of Alamin Tukuyin by vincevince5000
Afraid I didn't have the same luck with translating.
Here's what Google made of your verse:

"When Filipinos proud of our proud and even different place
the ancestral free now and not be ashamed if you ever wit the talk leading the Filipinos in any field and not overlap
Great service is served if all the great heritage mapagyayaman philippines language and thought my heart with pride and dignity"

So perhaps you could oblige us with something more accurate?

Thu Apr 28 12:53:03 2011

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My Review of Nitric oxide reviews by
The program in this book actually has three distinct phases:
a prefast (two to three days before the fast) the 3-Day Fast a break-fast (one to two days after the fast)
Before you begin the prefast, carefully read through all three phases of this program. Right now, you need to familiarize yourself with the program. Reading everything carefully will prepare you for what you will be doing, feeling, eating, and drinking.
This program is very straightforward and is really easy to follow if you take the time to understand the simple things that need to be done before you plunge forward. Walk through it in your mind and get comfortable with everything nitric oxide that is new or unusual to you. Take notes and reread anything that seems the least bit confusing, complicated, or unclear. Think about special things you can do to make and keep everything simple for yourself.

Why do you persist in spamming a writers site with your retail links in this way. Is it because you can't afford the usual methods?

Thu Apr 28 12:45:49 2011

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My Review of Ode To A Lost Soul by asensation
Had to Google - "you see they have fastened your soul with withe" - as I'm afraid I wasn't au-fait with pithy willow twigs.
And it was somewhat hard for me to find a voice that matches the tone of this, so I wonder if it's closer to a rant than a poem.
There just seemed to be too many diverting references which were sufficient to throw me off track (bees, sharks, engines, pig sty) everything but the kitchen sink, only serving to deepen the mystery of who this is directed at and why.
But hey, it's only my personal take on things and if anything^ offends, then please feel free to ignore me.

Best ~ Abra


Thu Apr 28 12:28:51 2011

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My Review of Moving storage reviews by
During the fast, I encourage you to do a screaming exercise that builds and strengthens the "no" muscle. This may sound extreme, but sometimes we need to go to the extreme before we can find a comfortable middle ground. If you've had a hard time saying no all your life, you're going to need that scream to breakthrough your barriers and inhibitions. You're probably feeling pretty victimized, and the only way to overcome that is with strength.
Part of the process of becoming new means finding, building, and using new parts of yourself. Appropriate screaming (into a pillow, on a deserted beach, in the woods, etc.) helps you feel your own strength moving storage. It tells the world you're not going to take it anymore, and it sends the same message to the deep insides of your self.
Then, watch out! Once you start saying no, there may be no stopping you. Everything that has made you feel powerless starts coming to the surface to get kicked out of your life. Suddenly, you're a warrior. You're not embarrassed anymore, you're not wishy-washy anymore, and you're not a victim anymore.
A second screaming exercise we'll be doing is the "yes" exer-cise. Once you've started to kick out the old, you're ready to welcome the new. You're ready to say yes to health, to vitality, to love, and to change. And this time, you get to choose. In the beginning, you need to scream your invitation really loud, to make sure that you really hear it, and feel it, and believe. Because you deserve it!

Click the link & watch your spam fritter brown to a crisp.

Thu Apr 28 03:42:42 2011

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My Review of ceasefire by sanet
You've managed to capture the tense atmosphere of a country teetering on the brink with just a few lines. That's the mark of a seasoned writer.
Sure, I would have liked more description and imagery - but then maybe this says enough just the way it is.
One caveat, as this might apply to so many places in the Arab world right now, I'd consider changing your title.
Thanks for sharing.
Best ~ Abra

Thu Apr 28 03:25:36 2011

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My Review of Barbie- I Am Not by barbiedoll309
Underneath all the poking fun there's a more serious side to this which affects impressionable little girls all over the world - and for me that's what your poem is really about.
Hope you'll tidy up the wonky first line and change the semi-colon in the title for a dash, perhaps.
Thanks for sharing.
Best ~ Abra

Wed Apr 27 14:54:55 2011

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There's plenty of anger and passion here, but if this is about a relationship ending in your own life, then I guess you'll have to dig deeper to find the real poet you.
Unless your just using poetry as therapy to vent your feelings, your aim should be to write in an original way.
'Ripped to pieces like tissue paper' and 'tears like rain' are cliche.
I'm afraid they have been used so often that they automatically sound stale.
Think you meant 'heart' in the title - and you've probably noticed that not many people use capitals, as it's considered to be bad manners - rather the same as shouting.
Trying to work with rhyme may slow you down at first, so it might be a better plan to skip that for the time being too & just write your feelings as they come.
But please don't be discouraged by anything I've told you, we all had to start somewhere.
Thanks for sharing and do keep writing.
Best ~ Abra

Showing Critiques 101 to 125 (Page 5) of 375 (16 Pages)


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