And then she said it. It went something like this:
“Cruisin’ down the street in my six foors.”
I knew from the tone in which she moaned it that I was sharing the same poon as Easy E himself. Being that I had loads of fact on Eazy, I realized this bitch probably had AIDS so I pulled out. She asked me if I owned a gun.
I knew I didn’t and this girl was really big so I had to get out of there quickly. I set my fist all the way back, and knocked the bitch in the teeth. I then made a quick barrel roll out of the bed, slid right into my pants, and split. That was the last time I ever saw Shannon Chapman. Now that you know a bit about me, I’ll tell you why I’m really constructing this heroic adventure.
But first, let me tell you a few things about my wife. She was a gold digger so I stabbed her in the throat and fed her to the pigs. We lived on a farm. Some psychiatrists call me antisocial, some others call me Daddy. When I was a kid, I recognized that I was able to manipulate minds like a jedi. Naturally, I used this to my advantage. You fuckers reading this can call me Obi Wan Comeboneme.
THE END
Nah, just playin’. It all started when I was playing in the ball pit at McDonalds®. I met up with Cody every week to pick up the finest blow you could get around Eastbrook Elementary. Cody, of course, was the mother of one of the kids I had met at McDonalds®. I usually have the kids I meet introduce me to their mothers, which is how I started my career as a professional pick-up artist. Her kid was a snot-nosed little shit, but I had to give him props for copping a feel on the server on the second register. Even though he could be a bitch I let him into my pick-up crew. You need to start somewhere, and soon enough I’ll be up in the big leagues and I’ll boot him right out of my crew.
Cody’s spawn leaned over to whisper.
“That bitch is mine.”
Naturally, it was the hottest mother who had a kid in Eastbrook Elementary. I could not let this happen.
“How much?” I asked.
“For you,” she replied, “free.” This was a response to my surprise, and I was beginning to feel the jedi kick in.
“You will have sex with me,” I instructed, staring straight into her eyes with my palm raised towards her.
Whack!
Man, I got a nice clean slap right in the face for that one, and I was thinking that maybe I had just made this jedi crap up while I was high.
“Nice job, douche. I’ll show you how it’s done,” Cody’s son muttered. He strolled to the same woman and nonchalantly asked her for a smoke.
Damn, I thought, this eight year-old prick Is going to seal the deal. I needed a plan.
I walked up to her and said, “Excuse my son, he’s a sex addict. He gets it from his father.”
“Excuse me?” she shot back sternly.
This bitch was too much for just any normal game, so I cracked her over the head and threw her in the trunk.
“Get over here short stuff!” I yelled while heaving this chick in the trunk. He jumped in the passenger seat of my Bentley as I sped out of the parking lot.
* * * *
We got back to the pad after dropping her a few times and got her onto my rotating bed. Shorty and I then packed a bowl.
“You know your mother only cums when she’s on blow?” I asked him engagingly. When young kids are high, everything soars right over their heads. He just sat there devouring my goddamn Cheez-Its®.
“She has this thing where she likes me to strangle her with my tie. At first I didn’t think it was worth the stains, but the look on her face when I utterly demean her kind of gets me off.”
I looked over to the little prick. He just looked at me and said, “Yo! The bitch on the bed is moving! What should we do?”
“Well fuck, you can have her,” I said. “I’m sure she’s got at least 15 minutes left before the Librium kicks in.”
The motherfucker was jumping for joy so I got the video camera out. If I wasn’t fucking, I’d at least make some money. I set it on the coffee table in the center of the room and grabbed my keys. My various dildos and anal beads were kept in my locked closet because my homosexual cat kept getting at them. I knew I would need them some day. I took a deep breath and penetrated the lock with my key which fit snugly. I twisted it to the right but it wouldn’t budge. By this time the bitch was moaning loudly so I dropped what I was doing and kicked the kid off the bed. But then I realized that Harry Potter was secretly in love with Voldemort, and that thought made me lose all of my abilities to fuck.
“Get the fuck off my dick!” I yelled. This girl was so fucked up on Librium she couldn’t feel me let alone hear me.
* * * *
“Police!” yelled a woman at the door. “We have reports of a domestic disturbance! If you do not open the door we will enter!”
I ran to the dildo closet and desperately tried to get through the solid cherry oak. I knew that I had just the thing to deal with the problem in there. The banging on my door continued as I slammed my way into the closet.
Why wasn’t this key working? I thought as I slid the key in and out of the lock. The police had broken in to find this broad knocked out from Librium and me sodomizing my own doorknob. There was only one thing to do.
I pointed to the skinny kid with no pants on and said, “It was his idea.” Cody’s poor excuse for birth control gave me the finger.
Surprisingly, the cops believed me. As I watched that little asshole get cuffed I thought, Damn, maybe I do have jedi powers.
Except in the next moment I was pummeled by an LAPD officer.
“What the fuck man?!” I yelled. “Who the fuck do you think I am, Rodney King?”
Well fuck, I thought to myself while being barraged by more of LAPD’s finest. Not only did I not have sex, but now I couldn’t make money from my porno and I had to worry about getting assfucked by some guy in jail. I then recognized the officer and her eyes widened.
“Shannon?! How in God’s name did you get a job as a cop when you just got out of jail?”
“Holy shit? You live here?” she gasped.
“You used to be here every week!” I screamed.
“Surprise!” she exclaimed. “I am Shannon’s clone sent from a parallel universe where lady is dominant and man is bitch!!!” She pulled out a leather whip and electric cattle prod.
I realized that Shannon’s clone was just a hallucination as I woke up from the coma I was put into after she delivered a flurry of punches to my face. Obviously, she wasn’t happy to see me.
“Where’s my wife?” I asked.
“Your wife is dead dipshit.”
Cody’s son was standing by the hospital bed. I guess I was still a little groggy from the thrashing I had received.
* * * *
The view of Los Angeles from this particular hospital was nauseating. Then again, every view of L.A. is nauseating. You’re either looking at people who look better and have more money or you’re looking at some homeless fag in black eye make-up asking for money to buy some lube for his boyfriend. These days you can’t even risk your pride knowing that beyond every tub of Vaseline® stands a collective spirit fueled by fuzzy dice and Brokeback Mountain DVDS. At least I had a hot nurse and that brat of a kid hung around. I had decided to look on the bright side that the police didn’t prosecute me because they thought that they would get sued for the spectacle back at my house. I never would have thought that an eight year-old sexually probing a zombie would have given me good karma.
After a few weeks at the hospital I was back in the ball pit. It’s generally a lot easier to pick up mothers in a neck brace because sympathy is the greatest aphrodisiac. Cody’s kid had ditched me for a marble game down at Eastbrook because he thought the brace was an unfair advantage. Fuck him, he was just pissed I was getting all the play.
“Excuse me,” said a woman around her early thirties with perky tits. She had chocolate brown hair and DSL* “Is that a neck brace?”
“Yeah, I got in a little fuss with the cops, nothing special. What’s your name sugar tits?” I replied while leaning on a plastic Ronald McDonald® statue.
“Funny you say that. My name is Sugar Tits.” She smiled cunningly.
Finally, a bitch with some class, I thought as I said, “Finally, a bitch with some class.”
Oh shit, those crazy pills I got from the hospital must have been fucking with my head again.
Before I knew it I had those DSL (dick-sucking lips) wrapped around my dick like lights around a Christmas tree. It was at this point that I realized I had the golden pick up line, the one that would make any bitch wet in their panties.
“Oh yeah, go me,” I said out loud.
She stopped for a minute and repeated awkwardly, “Go…me?”
I laughed. “Yeah…go you!” I blurted out awkwardly. Ah, fuck it. “Bitch, keep sucking!” I yelled.
The clock struck two and I shot my goo when I realized that I was late for a German snuff film convention. I took out my Nextel and paged Cody’s son. Those were his favorite kind of movies ever since I introduced that genre to him. This kid was going to be my prodigy, my legacy. I would unveil him to the world after my retirement and he was going to unleash all hell on the world of girl teenagers.
